1. If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving isn't for you.
  2. A day without sunshine is like,well....night.
  3. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
  4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.
  5. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
  6. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
  7. Remember, half the people you know are below average.
  8. Nothing is fool-proof to a talented fool.
  9. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  10. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
  11. Borrow money from a pessimist - they don't expect it back.
  12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  13. I intend to live forever - so far so good.
  14. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
  15. Mind like a steel trap - rusty and illegal in 37 states.
  16. Quantum mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
  17. Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
  18. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane and going the wrong way.
  19. For every action there is an equal and opposite criticism.
  20. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
  21. If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
  22. A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
  24. Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
  25. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
  26. Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
  27. The hardness of butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
  28. The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
  29. The sooner you fall behind the more time you'll have to catch up.
  30. The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
  31. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
  32. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  33. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
  34. I plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.
  35. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
  36. Get a new car for somebody you don't like - it'll be a great trade!
  37. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of car payments.
  38. Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  39. You can impress more friends with your ears than you can with your mouth.
  40. Two things that are bad for your heart - running up stairs and running down people.
  41. Everyone has a photographic memory.  Some just don't have film. 
  42. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 
  43. I just got lost in thought.  It was unfamiliar territory. 
  44. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty. 
  45. Seen it all, done it all, just can't remember much of it. 
  46. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't. 
  47. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe 
  48. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged. 
  49. You have the right to remain silent.  Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. 
  50. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 
  51. Honk if you love peace and quiet??? 
  52. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? 
  53. Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool. 
  54. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living. 
  55. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off. 
  56. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. 
  57. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them. 
  58. You can't have everything, where would you put it? 
  59. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.  (DUH) 
  60. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first. 
  61. A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well. 
  62. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats. 
  63. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens. 
  64. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few. 
  65. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 
  66. Light travels faster than sound.  This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 

    67.  

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Proverbs Lend me a Bird (poem)

 
 

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